I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
