Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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