just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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