I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
