Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
