I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
