I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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