just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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