So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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