i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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