apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
this is an emotional support booty call
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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