Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
you made out with another girl for some wings
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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