i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
