I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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