why didn't you poke me back
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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