ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're too hungover to prance.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize