Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
