dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize