My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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