if i can run in heels then i can drive
I can text with my tongue
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
