Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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