Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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