I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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