I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
