I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
