The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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