The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
