My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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