Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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