I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
