I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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