Porn is love you can see.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
