My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Are my feet made of real feet?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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