This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
