I'm eating all of the evidence.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
