I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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