So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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