Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
