Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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