Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So squirting runs in the family.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
