thus making me awesome and them whores
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
