i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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