No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
