Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
