god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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