The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
