I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
