I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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