I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dignity is for republicans.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
