Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
