last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
