It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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