i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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