Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
