This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
