could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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